if only
by ishistarling
Summary: took off the third chapter..redoing this piece...
1. Default Chapter

The music is soft as the two ballerinas dance. Agent Mapp watches. The background is that of a mirror so it isn't just the two, her eyes follow. Each reflection twinkles in her eye. Though there is no twinkle in her eyes by it self, the sparks having long died. Even the embers of that long gone light can no longer be seen. Her soul dark …withdrawn peeps through. Its twilight. _Clarice Starling will walk in any second_ .The thought provokes feelings she dare not face. _But it's time isn't it… Ardelia? _The music box carries on. But it is not enough. Agent Mapp needs a distraction .A rhythm. Clarice used to find it in the hum of the washing machine, that of the refrigerator, the cool enamel of the bathroom tiles… But she has looked there and beyond .She wonders why pain plagues this house. In a way it always has. But you can feel it here stronger than ever as one tries to break free from it's clutches desperately, insanely; but it clings to you, rings in the ribcage, sucks everything into that void …that vacuum that is denied fulfilment

Ardelia Mapp recalls the paramedic van to her mind's eye as it many -a -time appeared at the end of her day

"Please… yes, here Agent Mapp is it? Hmm…this will require stitches…the hospital then…"

At the hospital Mapp would get in rhythm with the sting of the needle and the pain that accompanied it. It gave her a sort of immunity .She preferred a doctor who did do it with precise regularity, the periodicity of the pain letting only part of her mind bothered and letting the rest figure the mind trap. She'd call it a defence mechanism against …well…ruining your reputation in front of the doctor. _Going in… coming out… stitch 1… stitch 2. …Breathe…almost done…_

She wondered why this time she has no mind trap to it. The pain, She means. She had once had a M.R.I. done. Somehow she had survived the noise- the way it made you feel that the sky was falling …how had she fought it? She doesn't quite remember. She needs that knowledge. It might help her deal with the present situation. _Do I block it out till the walls have caved it or will it be I that am caved? Do I deal with it here and now? …A sense of false security that Clarice got each time…each time they stopped? Sweet relief? I wonder why I am so afraid to…end it. But will it? Fifteen years…could it really have been that long? Time has coagulated for me. Sitting here in her part of the duplex… Her couch… _

Ardelia Mapp sits thinking…

Thinking and mourning…

Clarice…


	2. The mind and it's traps

HI PPL, the 3rd chapter might just take me ages as the GD finally arrives…too beautiful a mind to force me to restrict my word limit.anyways it may take me a few months –exams around the corner...

DISCLAIMER: (I forgot last time) none of the characters belong to me and are the intellectual property of a certain mr.harris (to whom I'm indebted for making my world far more interesting)

She wants to laugh at how ridiculous the whole thing really is. She stands at a distance analysing her own physce; her mind sleekly dissecting and uncovering all attempts at …release. Yes, Ardelia Mapp wants to laugh .One who knows might take it as a lame attempt to escape reality. No, she doesn't want to, she can't be let to._ The Truth hurts doesn't it? All this time… trying to escape it? You cannot look it in the eye can you? Hoping and wishing it to be a part of the shadows…its quite pathetic Agent Mapp_.she gasps the way she hadn't when he had voiced those very words. But his words almost hold a ring of truth about them now. Clarice had been so young…

She has been in the shower where there was but the water and the tears equal in their intensity. No relief. She wonders how they felt so cold on her skin while the water didn't. It was meant to be release. Right? That was it -she was meant to cry and be done. Some part of her mind had been shouting all the while trying to awaken her from the coma, the numbness _She's gone, She's dead, She's gone and She's dead… You saw her DIE, GIRL!! ClARICE IS DEAD! Right there in your arms …dead…_

She hadn't woken up. The screams had turned deafening without effect and then been lost. Presently she is quieter at least on the outside. Maybe she is done with it. She is mourning her lost friend silently or so it seems…._ lost…long lost .I lost you the day I denied your mind… Clarice. Why did I do it? Did I also see you as Agent Starling? Did I deny you a place, a friend, Clarice? For far too long…_

Agent Mapp doesn't have a memory palace as compelling as Dr. Lecter's. But she remembers well .She may not have rooms, staircases and dungeons to her but her mind does resemble a library. Her self not being efficient, it may look to be a ruin but all it needs is her to set the catalogue straight. The memory palace in all its splendour and glory depends on the ability of the mind to categorize and connect. The concept of mind maps thus becomes of importance, as it is the portal to the understanding of human emotions. Let's play a small game, shall we? I will say a word and you will speak of the first word that comes to your mind. Hmmmm…?

Ready? Go.

Red.

What was that you said? Rose…danger…or was it love?

Red.

One word alone –in the mind gets related to a number of experiences. That one word gets connected to many engrams-mental images of physical or emotional pain and unconsciousness. Scents are associated in Dr. Lecter's mind to memories good and bad but the pathway through which the doctor reaches his conclusions are much well connected if not better defined than Agent Mapp's. Her approach is hurried and she misses her steps leaving gaps that continually divert her attention… Going round and round as the good God made the world round and round…

Clarice Starling suffered before she died. She survived for longer than anyone thought possible. Dr. Lecter had been right .She was a warrior. Fifteen years ago Clarice had answered a question asked with respect to her father-"No, he was strong. He lasted a month". She lasted for three. Three months that agonized Ardeliaand made her question God day after day… night after night. But Clarice died with a smile on her face. She was free. Having hidden from her friend for so long, she died being true to herself and her best friend. Clarice died as Ardelia held her. Not Agent Starling who had been buried ages ago. The smile on Clarice's pale face remained as the sad one on her friend's died.

Ardelia had understood .

At last

So I will be needing at least 4-5 reviews to get me going I am bit indecisive so ideas on the GD's reaction to clarice's "demise" are rather in demand. So help me here and do review


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